Feb 10 2009
Adoption Tales: Does Anyone Think About How Adoption Affects the Child?
Adoption can be a wonderful solution for an infertile couple who wants to have a child but can’t conceive or become pregnant on their own. It can also be a way for an otherwise homeless child to have a family who will love them and raise them as their own. But not all adoption stories are like the fairy tales they appear to be.
No one seems to consider the long term affects adoption can have on the adoptee. That baby or child who has no choice in the matter. They have no voice during the adoption process, and in most states, have only a few rights to know their biological roots as they grow into adulthood. Even after that child is an adult, the court systems still bar them from knowing their heritage. Some judges will give out non-identifying information but that is insignificant dribble.
If nothing else, an adoptee has a right to know their medical history. Imagine going to the doctor and trying to fill out that section on every questionaire about your family history of illness. Not knowing that information could mean the difference between life and death in some cases. Doesn’t a person who is adopted have a right to know if they have a genetic disposition to certain diseases such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, mental illness, or other such conditions?
I say yes, they do have a right, and think it is inhumane to deny them the information. Are you a birth parent searching for your child? Or an adoptee looking for your birth family? Contact me, maybe I have some tips for you. I am a birthmother who has been reunited with my daughter. We both want to help others who are searching for their biological family. I can’t guarantee we will have the answer, but perhaps our experiences will be of value to you.
Read more of our stories by clicking here.
Great insight! I am going to read more of your stories, because I am adopted and trying to find my biological family. Keep up the good work!
I think as adults they should be given the right to know their biological roots because as you have mentioned, being aware of their family history of illness is very important and they don’t always know what they are carrying from their biological parents. And on a more personal level, one should have the right know where they came from.
I am trying to put myself in an adoptee’s place and can’t imagine living everyday knowing I have no clue where I come from, who my parents were…whether I have any other biological siblings…etc. Not knowing your true identity can be have an emotional affect on some, no matter how good their relationship is with their adopted family. In the end of the day the thoughts do come.
Miranda, while I do agree with you that they should be happy about having a family that wants them, I don’t quite agree with the word grateful. And it’s not like when someone gets in touch with their biological parents, they abandon their adopted family. Just knowing their roots can provide them with a sense of peace, you know.
I need to read more of your blogs. I am an adoptive parent, and I often wonder what being adopted will mean to my son later on. I’m curious why some adoptees are driven to know more about their bio families, while others are satisfied without knowing.
I fear there is great danger and spending too much time thinking about “where you come from.” Perhaps I’m ignorant on this because I am biologically related to my parents, but as I raise my son, it has become very important to me to try to understand from his perspective.
I don’t want to downplay the significance of his start in life, but he’s now a part of our family…body and soul. Who are his parents? Us. Do we love him any less than his bio parents would have? Absolutely not. I would argue that we may even love him a little bit more. We went through a great ordeal in order to get him. It was a labor of love.
I want him to be looking forward, and not obsessing on his past. I think for ANYONE, regardless of situation, to spend too much time thinking about their past is not healthy.
Of course we will support him if he should ever decide to reconnect with his birth family.
Adoption is not about being grateful or doing anyone any favors. If anyone proceeds with adoption simply to be a hero, it’s going to be a miserable time for all. No one should ever adopt to seek glory.
Adoption should be an opening of the heart to welcome a family member. That heart should be offered as fully as to any other bio member of the family.
I also think it’s unfair to judge bio parents who “give up” their children for adoption. We all acknowledge it would just about the most difficult thing for a person to go through. In fact, I applaud them for recognizing that the priority is the child and doing what’s best for it. Sometimes, that means giving it up. It sounds cold and callous, but life is messy.
As for the logistics and simply knowing your DNA, well that’s a challenge. I’ve been struggling a little with that myself in our son’s case.
And the fairy tale endings? I thought fairy tale endings all belonged in the bio families. I suppose the grass is always greener, but I just so happen to know quite a few messed up biological families. Just because you share a genetic bond with your parents doesn’t guarantee success (whatever success is).
Adoption is not the last resort option for couples who have no other choice for a family. It’s as precious and magical as conceiving your own.
http://foreverfamily.today.com
I have no desire to find my birth parents. Personally I think that any adoptee that does want to find them are slapping their adoptive family in the face. If my birth parents didn’t want me when I was a baby and needed them the most, then they don’t don’t deserve to have me now as an adult. My adoptive family are my FAMILY. No if’s and’s or but’s about it. They gave me a chance to live and live well. I love them with all my heart and wouldn’t change anything about my life. I have a lot of other adoptive friends and they feel the same way I do about this. I don’t even consider myself adopted. I am part of my family in every way that matters…heart, mind, soul, and body.
Laken, while I don’t agree with you I can see where you don’t want to make your adoptive family feel upset or hurt by you wanting to know your birth family. I am glad that you have such a wonderful family that make you feel like such an important part of them. On the other hand, you finding your birth parents or them finding you, there is nothing wrong with that. You have to be open to this type of thing and want it. If you don’t then that is totally up to you. No one is saying that you have to have anything to do with your birth parents. What might be right for one person is not always the right thing for another. I think you might want to go and read some more of Nikki’s stories on adoption. GOD bless us all!
Laken, I have to admit, as an adoptive parent, it sorta feels good to hear you say that.
Let me just say that I would support my son 100% if he wants to find his birth family. He’s entitled to know if he chooses. I also understand that him making that decision has no bearing on our skills as parents or our love as a family. Sometimes you just want to know. I get that.
As a social observer, I just find it interesting how people feel so passionately one way or the other. I’m trying to understand more about the perspective of Morgan or Nikki.
Laken, thank you for posting your viewpoint. I just don’t see why adoptees or adoptive parents suddenly feel threatened or guilty when or IF the adoptee wants to know more about their roots. It’s not a competition or test of loyalty - at least it shouldn’t be!
And “Oldwestmom”, I too am intrigued as a social observer to learn about the feelings of the adoptive family.
Thanks to everyone for their insight and input. I hope others will join in the discussion and we can all learn from one another